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Posts Tagged ‘shame’

It’s been seventeen thousand years since I’ve wrote on here. I’m hoping that will change…but I have to admit, I’m running out of topics! (Suggestions hereby welcome).

One of the reasons I’ve been absent has to do with the last post I wrote, incidentally. Basically, I’m not perfect. I have a dark side – or many. Recently, my choices led me into a state of feeling like I had no business hoping for a marriage of any sort, let alone a good one. I don’t feel deserving. So I’ve reacted against feeling bereft of my desire with self-pity, and it hasn’t been fruitful or life-giving. But it has been a source of growth, and a necessary one at that. I have sinned, and sinned purposefully, in the area of relationships, as is often the case these days. It has only been in the last few weeks, in light of the evidence of this, that I have started to realize the root of my patterns.

You see, I come from a broken family. A child of divorce, I was devoid of having a strong male presence in my life. I learned to mask the pain of it all; to pretend like just because it is now so normal for so many women, that it is fine. But it’s not. It’s not okay that I had to learn to walk into the world without my father to tell me I am beautiful and worthy of affection and love. It’s not okay that I felt left and abandoned, in part because it was true. It’s not okay that I have been plagued with insecurity and low self-confidence as a result.

And it’s not my fault. And these things do not have to dictate my future.

I’m not sure what kind of families you all come from, or what kind of pain haunts you at night. However, I do know that we all carry some burden of our pasts around with us and into our relationships. I have learned recently how important it is to face these issues head on, lest they remain unnoticed like an odorless poison that is discovered only when it is too late. It is far too easy to ignore the warning signs when we are enticed by promises of pleasure in the wrong context that leave us decidedly empty, or by the presence of someone – anyone, regardless of background – pretending to love us. But I do believe that Jesus, who defeated sin on that cross, is there to defeat our sin now – and even more, to heal the root of it. After all, He always went above and beyond when He healed the lepers, the beggars, the lame and the blind – not only did He address their physical needs, the”bonus” (and incidentally, the most important) thing was healed as well: their relationship with Him. And through that, other people as well. I have learned that relying on Jesus to heal my past and the roots of my decisions is the only way I will be able to look forward to the future with confidence. Have I fully done this? Definitely not. Should I even expect to be fully healed before entering into a relationship headed towards marriage? No, I don’t think so. But I think it helps remind us of where we are headed, once we know where we came from.

Until recently, the process of healing scared me. I didn’t want to be limited by a timeframe before I felt like I could hope for a godly relationship. I’ve since realized, though, that a break from dating needed to happen. To clear my head. To face my demons, and to sometimes feel alone in that. I’m still absolutely in the process of doing this, and I don’t think it’s going to end anytime soon. But I do find that I can hope again, and that is beyond freeing. God is a God who redeems brokenness, after all.

And when my guilt threatens to consume me, I scream the heck out of Hebrews 9:14:

“How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death,so that we may serve the living God!”.

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