Posts Tagged ‘set ups’

First things first: wow – it’s been a while since I wrote on here! Sorry people. It’s been a crazy last month or so, and getting busier…so please excuse my lack of posts. I’m going to try and get some more ramped up though, and of course – ideas are welcome!

I’ve been thinking recently on the whole notion of the set up, and how for so many people, it’s a “last resort” type of action – when desperation has started to seep in and there’s no prospects rolling in (see my last post for more on how to react to that). Many people, myself included, inwardly flinch at the possibility of being set up with someone who doesn’t excite them, or even worse, seeing the person as a reflection of who they are attracting. Sometimes, it can be a hard dose of reality to face. Others may prefer wanting to meet someone “the natural way”, whatever the heck that means. A few days ago, my roommate and I discussed the ridiculousness of this statement, because no one ever really meets someone completely naturally. There are always other factors – Person A decides to go to church and sits next to Person B, Person C reluctantly attends a party where Person D is at, etc. I wouldn’t necessarily go so far to say that God is the driving force that brings us to certain places to meet that special person – honestly, sometimes I think it’s just being in the right place at the right time, and what we do with those circumstances to maximize them. I do not in any way think that agreeing to a set up means that God is not behind it. In fact, many people meet through friends in this way – so why, do I wonder, are so many people against it?

I’ve started to ask people in my workplace, as well as in church settings, to keep me in mind if they meet anyone they think I would get along with. Sure, it’s a little awkward, but how is it any different than going to a  bar or party and nervously making eye contact with the handsome stranger on the other side of the room? I may only be 25, but I want to be as intentional as I can be, knowing of course that intentionality does not always a husband bring :). For my part, the frustrating thing is when the people I ask don’t seem to take me all that seriously. Often, the response when I ask is to laugh it off and be all, “Oh, yeah, I definitely will!” and then to not do anything on the premise of it being “awkward” to tell someone that they have a friend who they might like getting to know. I know it’s awkward people, but isn’t it worth it to find your friend someone they might have a future with? Even if it’s not a good match, I guarantee it doesn’t go unnoticed or unappreciated to have someone put a good word in for me, and in many ways that makes up for any awkwardness on the date! The truth is, my friends know me the best of out of anyone really, and so in theory I should be able to trust them to endorse me to some unsuspecting victim…er, I mean, guy.

Of course, the flipside of all of this is if you find yourself looking to set your friend up with someone. In this case, it takes a sense of discernment and some guts to break the ice with a guy (or girl, obviously depending) who you sense might be a good match for your friend. To be very honest, I often get scared out of doing this on behalf of my friends. Granted, sometimes the person might just not be interested in getting to know the friend – which is silly anyway because how do they know if they don’t try? – but there have definitely been those times that I’m afraid to approach the person in question because of the awkward situation it could lead to. Sometimes I find myself on the lookout for good men for my friends, and it just feels like the same old group of people are there all the time. That can get discouraging, but that’s why I’m trying to branch out to new groups – meetup.com, if you have it in your city, is a good resource – to scope out the scene ;). There are also times when one needs to evaluate the men that are in the same group and see if there are some that have been overlooked – perhaps the scales need to come off your eyes, so to speak.

In all of this, discernment is key, but there are two important things that I’ve thought about lately in regards to this. The first is that you don’t want to ask just any single guy you come across just because your friend has asked you to set them up – that’s just offensive and could definitely hurt your friend’s trust in you. No one wants to be set up with someone whose manners or general essence is so far off from them that it shakes their confidence. However – and this is a big one – I also think it’s equally important to be open to different opportunities for your friends, even if they themselves have not considered that person. Let’s be honest for a moment here – most Christians, women especially, have too much ego involved in the dating process. I know that in the past I’ve disgustingly remarked, “Why on Earth would you put me with that person?” only to be surprised that, upon getting to know the person, their crooked nose or pimple-scarred face (um, hello? I only had acne for ten years straight – who am I to judge?!) really has no bearing on their ability to be worthy of affection. We’re not all that, and none of us deserve a perfect Prince Charming. It’s all a gift, and while attraction and chemistry is certainly an added bonus, it is not by any means the way we should measure someone’s eligibilty. If we honestly think someone would be good for our friend, and that friend responds with automatic defensiveness, I think it’s perfectly fine to remind them that, as dear and lovely that they are, they don’t look like Angelina Jolie. They’re not going to end up with a Brad Pitt look alike – sorry. Realistic expectations, people.

Good judgment is key for the set up situation, on top of prayerful action. People asking to be set up need to not be ashamed of it, and to be open to go on dates with people that they might not have considered for themselves. Those looking to set their friends up need to get over their awkwardness and speak up on behalf of them, and to really do your part in looking for a good match. Protracted singleness, when a desire for marriage is given from God, just doesn’t do much good when it’s met with bitterness and lost hope. Community exists for a reason – let’s all get out there and be willing to get set up and set up!


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