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Posts Tagged ‘goodness’

Is God ever really good if He doesn’t give me the desires of my heart?

This is something that has been echoing in my heart these past few weeks; popping up whenever a quiet moment presents itself. I have pushed it down, using the Sunday school answers to quell my doubts: “Of course He’s good! How dare you think otherwise!”.

I admit that it’s dangerous to think that God revolves around my desires – to believe this would be blasphemous at worst and unhelpful at best. However, I have come to believe – or perhaps, to want to believe – that the God of the Bible is personally aware of mankind’s desires and needs. He knows that we need to lean on people to thrive. He knows that in American culture, sex sells anything from a can of tomatoes to an coveted luxury vehicle. He knows that loneliness leads to an experience often akin to hell on Earth. I also understand that He has purposes beyond curing loneliness, or providing every person who wishes to have sex a spouse. However, I don’t think that God’s purposes are above those things. But here’s the struggle, the crux, the vulnerable part that I am afraid to admit but will do so in spite of perhaps better judgment:

I have recently realized that if I were to remain single for the rest of my life, I would never believe God is truly good. I hope that I would still follow Him, love His people, and tend to His needs (however imperfectly). My experience with faith leads me to believe that Jesus would keep me in His hand for His glory. But I am not sure I could ever fully believe that God cares about me personally, if He neglected to give me my biggest earthly desire.

Now, I won’t hesitate to add that I am also very much aware that God allows His children to experience suffering. It’s important, even, for a believer to enter into times of troubles, because it is then that we really do recognize our need for Him. I am not by any means suggesting that following God means getting everything you want. But I do think that if God is good, He is not going to leave us alone in our desires and needs. He will meet them, as He met those of the beggar, the blind man, the dead Lazarus.

And then, I think of Jesus. His story was not expected – and I’m pretty sure the disciples were wondering where their good God was when He lay dead in the tomb. I’m also pretty sure they realized that their God’s goodness was so overwhelming in the wake of the resurrection that all of their concerns and fears became like a mist burning away in the heat of the sun. With Jesus, out of death comes life. Out of pain comes healing.

I don’t mean to insinuate in my plea that I arrogantly want to demand a husband from God and expect Him to drop Him right there on my doorstep right when I want it. I also know that I don’t just want a husband from out of nowhere; I desire a relationship born of God; shaped by Him, perforated by His presence. That is why I’m so conflicted, because I don’t know how to reconcile my love of God with the very real fear that if He “doesn’t come through for me” on this, that I will want to neglect Him. I don’t want to do that – I honestly want to think that even if I never marry, I will strive on and continue in the daily quest to pick up my cross and follow Him. But I’m just not sure that’s true. I may believe that God is good in the general sense, in the saving of humanity sense – but personally? I honestly don’t know.

The thing is, I am aware that He is good – and that He does care for me – the blood of Jesus poured out on me proves that. I am not here to blaspheme the Lord, or to claim He isn’t good. I know He is. But when it comes to the intricate personal desires of marriage and family, I am just not sure how I would go about believing that He is my best interest in mind. It seems silly, and contradictory, and it probably is. Selfish?  Maybe. Twisted? Possibly.

In Mark 10:51, Jesus comes across a blind man and asks him, “What do you want me to do for you?” The man answers, “Rabbi, I want to see”.

Because He’s God, He could most certainly have chosen to not heal the man. However, as it turns out, He does heal him – and it is on account of the man’s faith. Now, plenty of people in Jesus’ time were most likely not healed; my understanding is that of course God still cared for them all the same. But He does seem to respond to people who can do nothing else but trust that God, and only God, will provide and heal them of their pain, be it emotional or physical.

The thing is, if I were the blind man, and Jesus chose not to heal me after I requested it, I might listen to Him and respect Him, but I might not fully want to trust Him or believe He cared. Biblically, it seems that God cares not only our spiritual health and desires but also our emotional and physical ones. It is through His interactions and healings on earth that His power over sin and death could be made more poignant and  obvious. They matter.

But not everyone gets healed. Not every prayer gets answered. Not everyone gets married. What do I do with the fact that God is free to do what He wishes in my life and that just might not include what I desire for myself?

Well, to be honest, I pray every day that He would change His mind if that is the case. But I also remind myself that God’s goodness is not about me – and not dependent on my understanding of it. Through the Cross, God’s goodness was shown so evident that the disciples were forced to reevaluate what they had previously thought it meant for God to be good. And they also saw that God took what they believed was dead and removed from them forever and placed Him as their Advocate and Brother, far greater than what they could ever imagine. Their needs, and desires, were met in abundance…on Earth.

It is not my intention with this post to cause anyone to doubt, or to suggest that God is not good or doesn’t know what He’s doing. I want to obey and bring glory to Him, not the opposite. But I also want to be honest about my struggles; I truly don’t think Jesus just cares about the abundant life for us in glory; it is available now. I also want to make it clear that I absolutely do not think that struggles or lack of fulfillment of desire mean that God isn’t good or doesn’t care. But for me, personally, it perhaps becomes a rephrasing of my first question:

Am I willing to believe that God is ever really good if He doesn’t give me the desires of my heart?’

That, I think, is what I am most afraid to face.

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