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Posts Tagged ‘Father’

This will undoubtedly be a little controversial, but it’s important and thus, oh well.

The issue of Christians dating non-Christians is one that either gets overlooked or overemphasized, depending on the nature of the community that we’re in. Like a lot of other biblical principles, it’s easy to sometimes avoid it altogether, or wrap it up in the box of But-Grace-Covers-It-and-God-is-Love, tie a ribbon on it and never think twice again. Or it’s so shoved down our throats that we start to feel guilty if we even talk to a non-Christian guy, because what if we (gasp!) were attracted to him?

Just to relieve you of any piqued curiosity, I will start off by saying that I do not think that, as a Christian who fails but still wants to glorify God, it is best to date someone who isn’t also in the same boat. I don’t even necessarily think that  it’s “because God says so” even though, if we’re honest, that should be enough of a reason.  I think it because I have experienced it firsthand. A few years ago, I entered into a relationship with a really great guy, who I met in the kind of way that people do in movies (read: a meet cute). Granted, we didn’t have a ton in common, but I was in an unstable time in my life, fresh off a year abroad fraught with unhealthy decisions and even worse lingering thought processes as a result. In my head, I knew it was “wrong”, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to just give him a shot. I did, and we ended up dating for about three months, which although not long by other standards, was not just a walk in the park either. Ironically, after months of feeling guilty and even more separated from God that I already felt beforehand, we broke up. There was a realization that we would just never really understand each other fully. And believe me, despite my sense of relief, it still hurt – a lot. I felt like a failure.

When Jesus explains that to marry an unbeliever is to be unequally yoked, my mind of course immediately goes to images of an egg splattered unevenly in a frying pan and I’m consistently confused. And then I have to reign myself in (pun awfully intended!) and focus on the real meaning. In marriage, and really any type of relationship, we are called to carry each other’s burdens. When two cows are held together by the same yolk, there is an even amount of weight, ideally, on each shoulder. Neither cow is expected to fully carry the weight of the other, but the burden of both is shared. It is in this context that I believe it is most easily understood (thank goodness, since of course, that was the initial point of Paul even using the example). If we put ourselves in such deep connection with someone who does not share our faith – and our hope – then, undoubtedly, either ourselves or the person we’re in relationship with is expected to carry a heavier burden. Perhaps we, as a Christian, feel the need to always invite that person to church, just to satisfy our inward twinge that we’re still doing “Christian things” despite this (that was me). And the other person carries a large burden in this case too – they probably feel inexplicably unable to be good enough as themselves. That certainly will not lead to knowledge of the Gospel.

So there’s the lack of ability to carry each other’s burdens (which, we are told, fulfills the law of Christ) but there’s also something else: with this set up, codependency is inevitable. Often, if a Christian woman really cares for a man who isn’t a believer, she is often more likely to engage in behaviors or make decisions before which  previously she would have hesitated. For a man, if they’re dating the non-Christian woman, maybe it’s because they don’t feel like the women that attend church with them are the right mix of sexy and cute (can’t speak to the guys perspective all that much, so apologies if that’s way off!). The result is that one, and often both, members of the couple seek to get from the other what that person can never give them. It’s a painful and sometimes humiliating cycle, especially when observed in hindsight.

We all have battles to fight as we navigate our way to marriage, and fighting against the temptation to fall for someone who even just gives us the time of day can often be difficult to resist. In my experience, I’ve had a lot more non-Christian men seeking me out than Christian ones, and as hard as it is to admit, many are the thoughts I’ve entertained of what it would look like to date them. Perhaps part of the solution is for more Christian men to ask the women of Christ around them, and for women to be receptive. And another part, I think, is recognizing what marriage is for and how the relationship between a man and woman can really only be fulfilled through the institution. Marriage is a representation of Christ and the Church, yes, but also of Christ, the Father, and the Holy Spirit. They are all in sync with one another, fully loving, and fully aware of the Other in their entirety. There is no one pulling too much weight, or anyone left abandoned. It is intimacy bound together by the mutual everlasting comfort and joy of knowing another.

I’m left to think that a relationship which does not have at its center the Person of Jesus Christ, if He is present to one of the couple, is at best lonely and at worst, lacking a giant essence of God’s character. God’s desire for His children to not be married to unbelievers is not a rules-based hope for humanity, but one steeped in His interest in our welfare and joy.

Believing that, of course, is certainly half the battle.

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