Proverbs 18:22 states, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord” (NIV).
Since I first read an article regarding this issue on Boundless a few years ago, my viewpoint of what it means for men to pursue has changed quite a bit. That article can be found here, and it does a much better job at addressing it than I can, mainly because I’m not a guy! http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001349.cfm.
However, this post is going to be addressed more to the men, with the next one reacting to the issue as it pertains to women. Many of the things I’m bringing up here can be applied to both, but it’s easier to separate them for organization’s sake. Obviously, I’m not intending to be the voice of either, but I am expressing my opinion based on my experiences and also that of others that I have heard.
To get straight to the point, I think the main reason why so many eligible young men are still single (beyond the proverbial noncommittal issue, which often is overly applied) is that many have very unrealistic expectations of what a Christian young woman should look like. Or, in essence, what the expectations of their ideal of a Christian young woman is. These are not things that speak for men as a whole, and perhaps not even many, but it is what partly what I and other people I know have observed. Many of these aspects are things which women strive to think about themselves too, which makes it very complicated for the men! Take, for instance, this exaggerated list of what sometimes tends to happen with these expectations:
For example, “she” needs to have a faith so devoted that any outward appearance of sin is an expression of her lack of obedience to God. She needs to be outgoing, but gentle. She needs to be attractive, but not so attractive that she’s constantly smothered by the attention of other men. She needs to be very intelligent, but not too intelligent, because that could be seen as intimidating. She needs to play at least one instrument. She needs to sing. She needs to know, without fail, how to relate to children. She needs to be flirty, but shy. She needs to work out, but not be too buff. She needs to know how to be independent, but not be so independent that she can’t let someone open the door for her.
All of these things are, of course, very good qualities to have, and it is possible for women to have it all. I went to a women’s college, for example, and I do not think that women should and can only be the domestic type to be a good marriage partner – there is freedom in Christ that allows for other options and that’s a good thing. More on that later. However, in terms of the men, having such expectations can be extremely detrimental and painful for most everyone involved. The truth is, we are all sinners who will marry other sinners – no one will meet the mark on someone else’s standards. To hold women to a standard of “Carrie Underwood looks, Pamela Anderson va va voom, and a strong and enduring faith” is setting men up for failure. Also, it has been my experience that this kind of thinking leads men to not approach the women that are right in front of them. At my church, we have a large group of single young men and women, who for the most part are very eligible and would make good marriage partners. However, there’s about 10-15 married or dating couples for the 200-300 other single people that attend. It’s a little unsettling. Granted, it is important that men actually want to get to know the people they’re pursuing, and not just feel obligated, but I think there’s so much fear in the wake of books like “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and “When God Writes Your Love Story” that men don’t feel as comfortable taking the lead in pursuit. That’s a very sad thing, and women do have a role in allowing that to happen.
I think this boils down to the fact that for many men, they’re expecting a burning bush moment. A time when God will speak to them through visions, or a dream, or through the Word in such an “obvious” way that it could not be ignored, as He did with Moses in the desert. It is definitely possible that God does work through these means now, and I’m sure that in some instances He most certainly does. However, that does not signify that if He does not choose to reveal Himself in that way, that He is not speaking. Men, it’s alright to ask a woman out that you may not know all that well but just happen to have had a few interactions with and you find attractive. Or perhaps a friend that you do know a little more, but were afraid to mess anything up in that friendship. If we women react in a rude, unloving way, that is our issue and not yours. That doesn’t mean that rejection won’t happen, but it does mean that the risk of rejection should. If you know that the woman you’re interested in is a believer, and maybe you both like sushi, use that as a basis. The only thing that seems to be a “requirement”, so to speak, for dating within the Christian faith is that the other person be a believer, and not be already married or in a relationship. Attraction is important, so I’m not saying that’s not an issue – it is. But it comes after the previous two!
Men, you have been given the freedom and responsibility of leadership :). You have the freedom to ask someone out, or not. To move forward from dating to exclusive relationship. From relationship to marriage. And so on. If you feel the pull toward someone in particular, go for it! And if they do reject you, that’s okay too. Painful, but okay. It’s ok to not wait for a “burning bush” moment; you are still listening and following the Lord in that. It is not an act of disobedience to “find what is good” in the process of getting married; it is, I believe, one expression of how to recognize that God is in fact enough to satisfy and is in control of our lives. It is only because we are first loved that we can love.
So go ahead – seek, find, ask! We women are responsible for how we react, and the complications that arise with that will be visited next time.
I’ve really been enjoying what you’ve have to say here in this blog. You’ve done an excellent job engaging me. I do however want to point out that, as a man, I think you may have gone a little overboard in your list. I’m sure many, many guys have unreasonable expectations of what they are looking for in a woman, but I honestly do not think such lists are the norm. I’m a guy, I know lots of guys. They all have things they’d like to find in a woman they’re interested in. And maybe even for some it’s the list you outlined, but I do not believe that most men have such an extensive, exacting and unreasonable list. I couldn’t agree more with the point your making. Men need to actually get out there and do something. Not wait around for God to lead them by the nose and not have too high standards that no person could ever live up to. But I do think that you may have gone a little to far into hyperbole on that list. I look forward to hearing more of what you have to say!
That’s a great point – I’m going to edit this now!
I think, frankly, that there are UNREALISTIC expectations on both sides of this. I also think that there are some women who have a “burning bush” mentality as well. There’s an entitlement attitude (which is really pride and self-righteousness) that also is at play here as well. I really think Christians make it more complicated than it needs to be, and I think there’s a lot of unnecessary fear and anxiety. I think that there are some Christians who use these unrealistic expectations as a means of protecting themselves from the pain of past relationships, as well as a means of avoiding any sort of work or effort in the relationship(also known as merger wishes).
I think the real issue is that when men and women deal with the internal issues and bad habits that are contributing to relational brokenness, this issue will become a moot point.
I totally agree! I will be talking about this in my next post!
Don’t forget it can sometimes go the other way too. A man can be looking at a Christian woman and say “Wow, she has (personality/physical attributes) X, Y, and Z, and seems to have a great walk with God… I could never be good enough for her! I’ll have to spend several years becoming a better Christian before I can date her!” … ok, maybe the last bit is slightly exaggerated.
And Nathaniel is right, I doubt most guys have such an extensive list, or even a conscious list. It’s probably far simpler: Is she a Christian? Check. Am I attracted? Check. Do we seem to ‘hit it off’? Check. Does she seem interested? (you will note that these have *really* complex definitions… )
Definitely. It’s also funny how we’ll make excuses for those we’re attracted to, and we’ll dismiss those who don’t.
I really like this. I agree; I don’t think God always says “marry THIS person.” I think He gives us a choice. I took a little time to pray about it after James asked me out the first time, and God told me “He’s a good man,” He didn’t say “Yes date him” or “no, don’t.” I believe God knew we would be good together and wanted our paths to cross, but there was no “burning bush” moment telling either one of us to date the other, or, ultimately, to marry.